Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

Submitted by admin on December 23, 2005 - 1:08am. ::

December 13, 2005
Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post
By John Breneman
With Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld rumored to be on the way out,
President Bush reportedly is eyeing a universally respected figure for a key
Cabinet post. According to completely fabricated reports, the one and only
Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about a possible top job
in the Bush administration.

Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for his efficient
worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has no prior political
experience. Nevertheless, he is considered a strong choice due to his
extraordinarily high "favorability rating." And though he is famous for
hauling around a gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of
political baggage.
Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him to fly all over
the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered sleigh, is is also being
considered for Secretary of Transportation.
Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus' cutting-edge work in high-speed,
petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize the future of commercial
air travel.
Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm that Mr. Claus'
innate ability to tell who's been "naughty" vs. who's been "nice" made him
an attractive candidate to replace Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General.
And several leading economists -- noting Mr. Claus' powerful impact on the
nation's gross national product each year at this time -- suspect he may be
a contender for Secretary of Commerce.
The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round residence at
the North Pole, may also be under consideration to head the Department of
Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.
Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation's leading employer of blue-collar
elves, would be a natural for the Department of Elf Education and Welfare.
Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would draw strong
opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom reportedly no longer believe
in him.
FBI investigators will be checking Mr. Claus' background and "checking it
twice," in part to determine whether his well-documented "love" for little
boys and girls is cause for concern.
A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment on a possible
role in the Bush administration because he was about to leave on a very
important annual business trip.
But President Bush said he is eager to discuss the possibilities over milk
and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa Claus is coming to town."
Related stories:
Santa Claus denies use of steroids
http://www.humorgazette.com/blog/item/57/ -- Dec. 25, 2004
Bush wounded in War on Christmas
http://www.humorgazette.com/blog/item/251/ -- Dec. 9, 2005